I can’t believe it’s been almost a month since that last post. Life has been steamrolling right along. I managed to get an etsy store up and running, and have even had some orders already. I love creating things, plus it helps support my dog showing activities. There’s a lot of that coming up (dog show activities) this year, so I need to get crackin’. I also do blog setup and maintenance so that helps, too. Yet when it comes to showing and raising dogs, as anyone who does it can attest, there never seems to be enough money.
I had another surgery recently as well. It was supposed to be the last, but as it heals I am seeing more and more what looks like one more on the horizon. Ugh. There’s nothing I hate more than relying on someone else to help me do things and going through this string of surgeries has really humbled me. Everyone needs help at one time or another. It has also made me realize how stubborn I am. I can’t stand not being able to do things. It’s so frustrating.
I’ve also not been able to resume dog classes or take the dogs out for their regular outings and have attended no dog shows. So depressing! I’m feeling physically stronger every day, though, and I’m so anxious to get back out there. As happens every time I am recovering from surgery, I have gained more weight. Gah–enough said on that front!
While I have struggled emotionally with many things lately, I have a lot to be grateful for and to look forward to in the coming months. Westminster in on the agenda and I am so freaking excited I could puke. I have never been, and have been watching since I was a kid, dreaming of one day taking a dog there. Finally, all these years later, I finally get to go. I’m also planning a trip to California (San Francisco), which usually happens every year, but this time I want to take the kids. My oldest son will be entering his Junior year of high school and I really want to show him that there are other things besides here and the life his father leads. That is another story in itself. I want to take him to Berkeley and some of the other colleges so he can see what is possible if he only works toward it. We’ve had some challenges with him lacking motivation and he is way too smart to piss his future away.
There’s also another addition to the kennel on the horizon (in a few months!) as well as planned breedings. We really do need to buy a farm! So all these things have to be funded in addition to running the household. I have no idea how I’m going to make it all work. I am trying to take my own advice and live my life more authentically; doing what I feel I need to do to get my life to where I want it instead of incessantly dreaming of where I want it to be, but it is hard. My husband works around the clock; so many hours we rarely see each other. I have the house, the dogs, the kids (3 still at home in 3 different schools with 3 different schedules) and a list longer than my arm of appointments, upcoming events, home improvements, etc. I know I am not alone in that by any means; everyone is busy and so many people are doing so much more than I am, dealing with serious and even life-altering things, but this is my life and what I have to get through and I am not ashamed to admit I passed burnout a long time ago.
It seems I have hit a wall of sorts. I am constantly tired and increasingly disheartened by my role as Mom. As every mom knows, it is a thankless job. It is a job where you must wear many hats, work 24/7, deal with snot, puke, screaming, attacks on your character, disrespect, cutting insults, constant messes, constant tugging at you, no private time, giving of your time, body, soul, running people hither and yon, keeping track of everyone’s everything while looking fabulous, exuding happiness and oh yes, NO PAY. No appreciation, either. At least not when they’re under your roof. It’s complete insanity. There is no good, logical reason why we do it. And I will not lie to you; there have been many times when I wanted to lay down and just melt into my bed. Run away. Anything.
When I was younger I had so many dreams. So many things I wanted to do. In my 40’s I am now trying to do those things, before I a) run out of time or b) split down the middle and get sent to the Funny Farm. I have always believed it is important for my kids to see me do things I love to do. It is so much easier to say that than actually DO it. Somewhere along the way I’ve lost my excitement about living in the daily grind of trying to be everything everyone needs. It’s totally not what I envisioned for myself as an 18-year-old high school graduate ready to take on the world. While I am so thankful for everything I have, I need to make some drastic changes in the way I approach my life.
I think one of the most soul-crushing things I have ever heard (and it was not his intention) was my husband telling me (when we got back together years ago) that he always expected to find me in a loft somewhere in a big city, painting or writing and being creative.
Yep. Me too.
Anyhoo, back to the good stuff.
Pup growing well:
I have some blog work to do so this about does it for today. 🙂