I have no idea where this week went. It is a common theme with me–I am racing from one place to another, dropping someone off, picking someone up, trying to fit work, errands and the gym in the middle somewhere. It is also common for me to drop multiple balls and to feel as if I am failing at everything. I’ve been doing lot of work on the blog from behind the scenes, which really makes me wish I had an assistant. Perhaps I need to consider that.
We’ve been continuing on with our Evanger’s trial, with details to be posted soon. Rama has healed up from her surgery (she was spayed recently) and she is back out exercising with me, preparing for some much-needed trail time.
I know there are several of you who are following my workout journey, so I felt it was time for an update. If you follow us on Snapchat then you see where I am 3 days out of the week. The last month I’ve felt that my measurements (especially my waist) hadn’t changed much. I was beginning to wonder if I’d hit a plateau. I’ve been feeling some stomach discomfort and just general malaise, some of which I attributed to my upcoming surgery. It had to be canceled due to my being sick but it has been rescheduled for the end of February. More on that later.
With regard to my measurements, I realized that last month we didn’t do any. I’d been feeling pudgy and bloated and so we’d skipped it and I eventually forgot. Here we are in February. How the hell did that happen? Anyway, we did them today. I am very happy to report that whatever that weirdness was with my waist has been overcome! Woot! My other measurements also changed, except my calves, which I’m ok with right now.
The jeans I’ve been wearing are a size 10 but have been falling off, and today I tried on a pair of size 8 dress pants and they fit! I need to dig through my closet to see if I still have any size 8 jeans and then try those. My stomach is my biggest problem area. After 3 c-sections and a few other abdominal surgeries, it’s a freaking mess. I don’t know if I’m ever going to have anything resembling a normal stomach again, but whatever. I’m more concerned with being strong than I am with being skinny, but never having been a big girl before having kids, the whole stomach thing has been a hard thing to deal with for the past 18 years. Add in the last few years of surgeries and recovery time and well, it just wasn’t pretty. I’ve decided that this is the year it has to go.
Staying motivated is the toughest part of this whole journey. I bitch and moan through each and every workout session. Most days I don’t want to go to the gym. I’m doing twice the amount of laundry I normally did for myself, so there’s that. With 2 kids and a husband in the house, plus dog laundry (beds, blankets, etc), I’m usually behind on the clothes. Now I’m even further behind. And stinky gym clothes take precedence, so someone is always waiting on laundry.
There aren’t really any secrets to staying motivated, I don’t think. Especially if you have dealt with depression. You cannot underestimate the sheer force of will it takes just to get in the car and drive to the gym. All the way there I’m listening to whatever will get me fired up. Dance music, rap, heavy metal. Whatever it takes to get me psyched. I also think of the alternative–staying where I am and possibly losing every bit of ground I’ve gained thus far.
Every time I feel tempted by something during the week food-wise, I ask myself, “Is this worth going backward?” Usually the answer is no. The same goes for getting up and going to the gym. If you don’t do everything you can, you will never improve. You will never get anywhere. I just don’t feel like I have time for that anymore. I don’t care how fucking unpleasant that workout is, it’s nothing compared to feeling horrible about yourself.
The only thing you can do is just do it. Envision that super weird Shia Labeouf video if you have to. Envision him yelling back at you from your mirror as you stare at everything you would rather change about your body. Shia LaBeouf is tired of your excuses. Just do it.
Most days my dialogue with myself goes like this:
I’m eating about every 3-4 hours. This has ramped up my metabolism so much that if I go longer than that, I start getting hangry and sometimes light-headed. I’ve not been very good at prepping meals ahead of time. I can usually manage to get a few days ahead. I’m disappointed in myself that I can’t seem to get this done. I am cooking everything fresh, which is time-consuming, but I’m managing to do it. I am, however, getting bored to death with eating the same things. I’ve got to come up with some different meal ideas.
During the week my meals typically consist of protein, vegetables and a healthy fat. On workout days I have a protein smoothie after the gym since I am usually running and have little time to stop for lunch. I’m still at 3 lattes a week, but they are now small and are 180 calories. On weekends I am a little more lax with my food, but am careful not to go crazy. If I have something that I know is carb-heavy or really sugary, I balance it with activity.
I currently have a love/hate relationship with food. I’m starting to see it as simply fuel, and not as a source of pleasure. This is kind of sad for me, because listen, there is nothing more heavenly than a huge piece of warm sourdough bread or a giant caramel latte. But when you start to see your food in terms of fuel that your body needs to do what it needs to do, I think it’s just easier in the long run. I’m still struggling with this, and I probably always will.
A Buzzfeed article from last year pretty much sums up how it’s going with food lately. I think we can all relate.
There’s not been much hiking going on lately. Sassy isn’t happy about this.